Separation and divorce is an event that leaves people feel deep emotional pain. Some people feel relief that the relationship is over. Individuals lose confidence self-esteem believe their personal narrative is telling them there is some flawed about them – I’m not enough. Separation and Divorce can feel like a hard jolt, leaving people shell shocked. One’s map for living and the future is destroyed. Depression anxiety and feeling numb are common. Narrative Therapy can offer space to construct an alternative narrative that lessons the difficult journey through separation and divorce.
Narrative therapy is premised on the belief that the stories we tell ourselves will influence how we live, how we experience change, how we understand ourselves and how they impact our emotional well being. Narrative therapy creates the opportunity for people to re-author their stories and therefore viewing their situation in a more positive and constructive manner.
Firstly, it is critical that people do not see themselves as the problem. Indeed, the problem is the problem. The person is not the problem. We are the holders of stories that can be written by us and about us. This helps guard individuals from guarding against self-blame, self-criticism, that they are somehow inherently flawed and not deserving of love and to be married. By externalizing the problem, people can now focus on the problem and allow them to heal.
A counsellor’s role is to surface these stories in conversation. The counsellor works collaboratively with an individual to help them reframe their stories, and ask them what aspect of the narrative do they want to keep, and what parts doe they want to re-write. The counsellor positioning is collaboration, non-judgement, compassionate, and to create a safe space to explore personal stories.
In re-authoring the counsellor assists the individual to explore alternative narratives. Stories that are more preferred to the individual, which encapsulate on their strengths, capabilities, desired goals for the future beyond separation and divorce. Individuals begin to envision an identity embedded in these newly written narratives. Counsellor do not want to dismiss the pain and suffering that people are going through in separation and divorce. Consellors assist with repositioning individuals in an evolving story of strength and growth. For example, a counsellor might assist a person to shift their narrative from revenge to forgiveness. From being the problem in the marriage to focussing on self-compassion.
Counsellor assist individuals to reclaim their self-esteem, confidence and agency. Reclaiming agency begins with individuals begins by recognizing their ability to influence the direction of their lives despite the challenges and heavy feelings that sit with them. Individuals become aware they can pursue their passions, engage in self-care, set new goals for the future.
In the end, individuals who are coming out of separation and divorce, that engage in narrative work feel better about themselves, regain agency, rediscover their passions and capabilities, strengths, and view their lives from a much more positive position.
Exercise
Envision a Positive Future for Your Self
This exercise comes from the field of Positive Psychology. Imagine yourself in the future, having achieved after achieving all your desired goals. Spend time vividly picturing what your life looks like in the key domains of career, relationships, health, and personal growth. You will begin to develop a greater sense of optimism, motivation and clarity.
Reference
Narrative Therapies for Children and Their Families: a practioner’s guide to concepts and approaches. Ed. By Arene Vetere and Emilia Dowling. Routledge, New York, 2017.
