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Inn today’s discussion we will talk about Boundaries. We set boundaries to protect ourselves. We use boundaries in all sorts of relationships. Boundaries are used at work, between friends, within clubs or organisations, with family, and with our intimate partners. Boundaries are used to ensure that who we are, our authentic self is not trespassed upon. When you establish healthy boundaries for yourself, it helps reduce feelings of guilt and helps you clearly communicate to others what you need. In addition, we may set boundaries to protect us in certain vulnerable situations, such as healing from separation and divorce. Boundaries are not meant to always remain in a fixed, position, they need constant monitoring and evaluation, which car lead to changing boundaries. Today, we’ll focus on two types of boundaries: physical and emotional.
Physical Boundaries
Physical Boundaries pertains to the space around your body. We all have the right to personal space that leaves us feeling comfortable. We know when physical boundaries are being trampled upon, because we start to “feels” that something is not right. The encroachment on our bodies by another challenges our moral, ethical, personal standards for self, which evokes difficult feelings. When this happens, we must set boundaries to protect ourselves. For example, if you only prefer a handshake when greeting people, then you don’t let them hug you. In addition to touch, physical boundaries may include the choice to wear a mask during a pandemic, you may require privacy at certain times where others cannot see you, etc. We all have the right to set boundaries around our bodies, how we want to be touched, how we want to protect our bodies.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are the limits we establish for ourselves within relationships. These can include setting boundaries to protect our feelings, thoughts, and emotional well being. Setting emotional boundaries clarifies for us what are our personal feelings and emotions, so that we can delineate them form other people’s emotional states. Understanding this separation allows us to take responsibility for our own needs and feelings. We are not responsible for the way other people feel. When we gain clarity on our emotional boundaries it allows us to express them to others in order that we can protect our emotional well being. For example, if someone is going through separation and divorce and they are overwhelmed with their feelings, they may set a boundary to isolate themselves for a period of time, so they can go through an emotional withdrawal to reestablish a more settled, constructive state of mind. Such boundaries are not permanent but needed to address the moment. This is an example of how setting emotional boundaries can be effective to protect our well being.
When Do We Adjust Boundaries?
Boundaries are not meant to be walls that we hide behind. They are living breathing tools that we employ to meet the moment when we need them. However, they are not meant to remain in a fixed position, they evolve as we change throughout life. Boundaries protect your time, energy, and overall well being. They create space for healthy connection, not isolation. Personal boundaries are like training wheels. At times we need strong, clear lines to help us build confidence or recover from a difficult situation. This creates space to gain clarity in the moment, build confidence, and recover. Once we feel healing has progressed, and we feel more confident, boundaries can be adjusted. They are not meant to cut things off entirely. When you regain greater self-confidence, boundaries can be adjusted, and you can engage in certain social situations again, or invite meaningful people back into your life. The important point here is that boundaries can support us in the moment, but that as we grow, and feel more confident, we can adjust or even eliminate certain boundaries.
Exercise
To determine whether you should adjust a personal boundary, ask yourself this question:
Am I adjusting from a place of growth, or to avoid discomrt?
Boundaries should be adjusted when your feeling more confident in yourself, and you are coming from a place of growth.
Referece
Boundaries: where you and I begin. By Anne Katherine. Simon and Schuster, NY, 2000
